happiness – Momginerd

The Unexpected Joy of Aging

September 17, 2018 Momginerd

aging

Aging happens, and should be a goal not seen as a punishment. If you are lucky enough to be considered “old” then you have lived, which is WAY better than the alternative….

I have had a love/hate relationship with aging over the years. In some ways I look resentfully in the mirror and see glimmers of the young hard-bodied woman I was. I remember having a flat stomach, no gray hairs or lines on my face. But, then I stop and think about the young woman I was. For as cute as I may have been back then, I didn’t know it. I didn’t appreciate it. I didn’t believe it.

The curse of youth is we don’t appreciate it until we are too old to live it fully. The tireless levels of energy, no creaky joints screaming protest at activities that were easy and effortless, the firm muscles that actually responded to the gym, and the carefree living of the first tastes of freedom with minimal debt, responsibility or stress.

As I see the big 5-0 approaching on the horizon, I have become reflective of my self-esteem and self-value, and I wouldn’t go back to the woman I was in those days. I truly love the woman I have become. I am happy. What 25 year old woman feels confident in her body, mind and soul? Not many I have met!

I have my opinions and thoughts and do not feel compelled to apologize for them anymore. I do not live my life to an expectation of how I am seen by others, but live it to how I want to SEE MYSELF. There is a huge and very important difference in those.

My youth taught me many lessons: some good, some bad…but they all were integral to my learning me.

Here is what I have learned about myself:

1. I love wholly and un-apologetically. Yes I have been hurt, damaged and sometimes broken. But, I wouldn’t change that part of myself despite the chances of future hurts. I prefer to live, give love, and appreciate the small moments of joy and try not to worry about the “what ifs.”

Image result for funny old woman

2. Life is funny! Look for the joy in the every single day. It doesn’t have to be momentous, just something as simple as a funny thing your child says, or, for me, some awkward moment that would have embarrassed me in my youth, but now can bring me to tears of laughter. I have a running joke with my girlfriends: Days without spilling something on my boobs. I send pictures of the daily spillage, and we all laugh. My record is 3 days. Image may contain: one or more people and closeup

3. Life is SHORT!

Grab that it by the tail and hang on for the ride. Too soon you won’t be able to really embrace all the opportunities. I do not want to live a life of regret. Hell, when I die I want my friends and family to have a party and remember me as I am now. I want them to say: she lived, she loved and she laughed, a lot! When that special person says that they think you are attractive, believe them. Because as we age, we also don’t have time for bullshit and generally mean what we say.

Image result for funny gravestone quotes

Until next time,

Enjoy the Ride my friends!

Nic

trust, Uncategorized

Am I Good Enough?

September 11, 2018September 13, 2018 Momginerd

Image result for am i good enough Insecurity after a bad relationship is horrible. Especially when you truly and deeply loved the past person. Loss of a relationship hurts no matter the circumstances. But, infidelity is like a vicious parasite that burrows into the deepest hollows of your soul. Time passes…eyes open…hope begins to be renewed. You feel like the parasite has been vanquished. Smiles…heart flutters…HOPE springs. Then, as you feel a thaw in the block ice you spent years slowly dripping healing layers on in order to truly live in a world seemingly filled with happy people, the parasite raises its ugly head and starts whispering: Hey, you are fine….Don’t set yourself up again. You know you will just get hurt….And you believe it. You start picking apart every communication, every gesture, every nuance of every single interaction with every “potential” future relationship. The illogical sounds logical. You begin to feel unworthy, unlovable and all the other “un” that helped you build the fucking ice block in the first place. It is a vicious circle of self loathing, distrust, and abject disillusion of every tenant in the “good” of people to which you once held in high esteem.

How can the circle be broken? And, perchance even worse: Do you truly want to break this circle or just stay in the ice-cold self-built SAFE prison of apathy? Though the housing is cold, the safety is warm, embracing and mind numbing. Mind numbing….it is heavenly, until it isn’t. A single word or look from a single person begins the melting. You feel a spark of hope, which incites more melting and you take a breath and see a puddle at your feet reflecting the hope of blue skies and smiles….sighs…touch…happiness.

Image result for puddle to a pond

Your heart sees this puddle and wants to jump in feet first. It looks heavenly and in its depths you see glimmers of your old self. Before the ugly…cold…hurt. You start by a toe dip, you find yourself smiling…laughing…wanting…and the puddle grows, becoming a pond. The water isn’t too cold or deep, so you wade in a bit. If the parasite senses no impending danger; and you have been frantically looking for any danger much like a new mom letting her child play free for the first time at the playground, more melting and your pond is becoming a lake. But, perhaps an ice covered lake, one upon which you are a tugboat constantly breaking up the frigid covering and leaving space for your lover to follow, if they are brave enough to have faith in your navigation skills. It isn’t a test of the new person, but more an unraveling of yourself in small weighted pieces as you continue to watch the shore for the parasite to be right.

Hopefully, because for the love of all things that keep you sane, one day you will look up and realize you cannot even see the shore of your lake. Your lake is now a vast ocean of experiences… sighs… touches… love. The ocean isn’t smooth, there are waves, storms and even some icebergs along the way, but, you have a co-captain along the journey. The parasite isn’t dead and whispers in your ear at your most vulnerable, but now it is the one locked in the ice and you are basking in the warmth of renewal…hope…and dreams of journeys to come.

Good to be back Momginerdians!

Love and all that, Nic

parenting

The road less traveled

January 4, 2017September 11, 2018 Momginerd

This year marks the last year my oldest will officially be still a “child.” She is now 17 and a senior (WHUCK!) in High School. She will soon be making her final decisions about college and then will be off for her new adventure in life. I wanted to make this Christmas about more than gifting. So I got her (amongst other things) the necklace above. But, I also had it wrapped in a letter. I am re-posting the letter here (with her permission).

Dear Daughter,

For me this is a bittersweet Christmas. It is, in fact, the very last Christmas before you are officially an adult. This coming year is filled with many firsts for you. You will be leaving home and in charge of your well being without having me or your dad here to catch or assist you daily. You will make decisions that have a long term effect on your entire life. It is stressful. But don’t let stress guide you. It is easy to pick the simple path of least resistance. But what happens when that path is chosen? You lead a simple life. A simple life isn’t a negative in and of itself, but it is the life you want to lead? You are adventurous, righteous, curious, and brave. These are the characteristics of change makers, not path followers.

My wish for you (besides figuring out how not to spill on your boobs) is for you to BE HAPPY. To be happy you need to start figuring out what it is that will make you happy. And not happy for now, but for the long term. My task for you is to realistically look at where you imagine yourself say at my age, or even at 30. Take some time to yourself and meditate on this.

Think of these things:

1. Will I be married?

2. Will I have children?

3. What do I like to do for fun?

4. Do I work to live or is work my life?

5. What makes me get up every single day and move forward even when I don’t want to?

Once you start figuring out these things, or even have some semblance of an idea about what you would answer for them, you will begin to understand what truly makes you motivated.

For me, if YOU are happy, fulfilled and proud of yourself, then I will be too. Whether you are an MD, PA, RN, JD, MS or any other myriad of letters you can accumulate after your name.

I picked this necklace for you because not only is it a symbol for woman power, but because to me, it represents not limiting yourself. The world is filled with glass ceilings, but you are strong enough to break any of them; even if your ultimate goal is to not be a career woman but a mom and partner.

No matter your ultimate path, know that you can make your life as meaningful and fulfilling as you want and are willing to break ceilings to achieve. I hope this necklace will be a reminder to never ever limit yourself based on outside expectations.

I love you so much it hurts some days. I feel blessed to be not only your mom, but to see how our relationship is maturing into a friendship.

With more love than stars in the sky for you now and forever,

Mom