Tag: funny

Aging, relationships, women

The Unexpected Joy of Aging

Momginerd

aging

 

Aging happens, and should be a goal not seen as a punishment.  If you are lucky enough to be considered “old” then you have lived, which is WAY better than the alternative….

 

I have had a love/hate relationship with aging over the years.  In some ways I look resentfully in the mirror and see glimmers of the young hard-bodied woman I was.  I remember having a flat stomach, no gray hairs or lines on my face.  But, then I stop and think about the young woman I was.  For as cute as I may have been back then, I didn’t know it.  I didn’t appreciate it.  I didn’t believe it.

The curse of youth is we don’t appreciate it until we are too old to live it fully.  The tireless levels of energy, no creaky joints screaming protest at activities that were easy and effortless, the firm muscles that actually responded to the gym, and the carefree living of the first tastes of freedom with minimal debt, responsibility or stress.

As I see the big 5-0 approaching on the horizon, I have become reflective of my self-esteem and self-value, and I wouldn’t go back to the woman I was in those days.  I truly love the woman I have become.  I am happy.  What 25 year old woman feels confident in her body, mind and soul?  Not many I have met!

I have my opinions and thoughts and do not feel compelled to apologize for them anymore.  I do not live my life to an expectation of how I am seen by others, but live it to how I want to SEE MYSELF.  There is a huge and very important difference in those.

My youth taught me many lessons: some good, some bad…but they all were integral to my learning me.

Here is what I have learned about myself:

1. I love wholly and un-apologetically.  Yes I have been hurt, damaged and sometimes broken.  But, I wouldn’t change that part of myself despite the chances of future hurts.  I prefer to live, give love, and appreciate the small moments of joy and try not to worry about the “what ifs.”

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2.  Life is funny!  Look for the joy in the every single day.  It doesn’t have to be  momentous, just something as simple as a funny thing your child says, or, for me, some awkward moment that would have embarrassed me in my youth, but now can bring me to tears of laughter.  I have a running joke with my girlfriends: Days without spilling something on my boobs.  I send pictures of the daily spillage, and we all laugh. My record is 3 days.Image may contain: one or more people and closeup

 

3.  Life is SHORT!

Grab that it by the tail and hang on for the ride.  Too soon you won’t be able to really embrace all the opportunities.  I do not want to live a life of regret.  Hell, when I die I want my friends and family to have a party and remember me as I am now.  I want them to say: she lived, she loved and she laughed, a lot!  When that special person says that they think you are attractive, believe them.  Because as we age, we also don’t have time for bullshit and generally mean what we say.

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Until next time,

Enjoy the Ride my friends!

Nic

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That one time my kid yelled Cock in public….

Momginerd
Don’t let this cute face fool you

 
Today I am going with Minion 1 to a Chinese New Years celebration.  It is going to be great fun and educational and I am really looking forward to the event.  However, I can’t help but recall when we went for a family dinner at our local favorite Chinese restaurant about 6 years ago.

Princepessa was about 5 years old and just mastering the art of reading.  We all sit down and there are Chinese zodiac placemats on the table.  Which, as a parent with 3 small kids, are a good way to distract them from trying to stab each other with chopstick until food arrives.  We are all reading them and discussing the different characteristics associated with each sign.  Well, eventually we get to determining which animal is for each of us.

Audrey and I are both year of the Rooster.  However, this restaurant has a cock as the title.  Which in this day and age RARELY refers to the king of the hen house.  So, Princepessa sees this, and YELLS!  Mom, I have a Cock!  To which all the neighboring tables begin to giggle.  Which (as any parent will attest) only encouraged her.  I mean she is the 3rd child so attention was a bit thin for her….

She continues to read the dates and asks me which year I was born.  When she looks it up she yells, even louder now she has an audience….YOU have a cock too!  But yours must be bigger because you are so much older than me!!!

Image result for chinese zodiac placemat

I was literally torn between hiding under the table in embarrassment or to hide the laughing to keep from encouraging her more.  The poor waitress saw our distress and amusement and was giggling as well.  I could hear her telling the story back in the kitchen.  The owner of the restaurant came out and gave Princepessa a high five for her reading skills….and a free meal.

Which only encouraged her more….

For the next couple months every flying animal was a “cock.”

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Look mom!  A red breasted cock!

And it kept on going….

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Cock Sauce

So, today as I attend this dinner my number one goal is to not laugh during any cock related zodiac stories.

parenting

Kids say the Darndest Things!

Momginerd

I am sure all kids do this, and I love hearing the stories about how they were coined.  My kids have all made up words that have become part of my family’s everyday conversations.  In fact, I have even heard some of my kids friends’ parents use some of them on occasion.  Shouldn’t my kids get royalties or something?

Here are some of the more stellar words:

1.  Yesternightago – Sometime in the past couple of days.  Manudo coined this when she was about 2 years old.  She would use it to recall some event that had occurred somewhere between 2 – 3 days in the past.  “I took a bath yesternightago, so I must still be clean!”

2.  Mahtato – Some genetic cross between a potato and a tomato.  Princepessa does not like tomatoes, she loves potatoes, but mahtatoes are just okay.  WTF?

3.  Jenky – Something that has a flaw or defect.  “Mom I booted up the computer, but the screen looks jenky.”  At this point it was giving us the famed “blue screen of death.”

4. Ogrit – Yogurt in a tube, preferably with Shrek on the packaging…lmao.

5.  Aberolli – Like ravioli, but with pesto sauce instead of red sauce.

6. Bombfire – A really BIG bonfire.  Bubbie is always asking us to make a Bombfire in the back yard.

Of course there are the words that they just plain said wrong growing up too.

1.  Bubbie called a Truck a Fu*k for about 2 years.

2.  All my kids called spaghetti Pahsghetti.

4.  Bubbie was actually coined by Manudo who instead of calling him her little brother called him her little bubbie and it just stuck!

5.  You don’t take a vacation, you go on becation.

6.  Princepessa once told a waitress at a restaurant we stopped at while driving to my parent’s house for becation that we were going to see Grammy’s Vagina.  We were travelling to Virginia!

What are some of the funny words your kids have made up or mispronounced?  I’d love to see your comments!

Nic

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Household items I would rather sell my children for than live without (not really, but maybe somedays)

Momginerd

Since I have been in “list mode” lately, I decided to add just one more (for today…shut it, I like lists).

Here is a list of my favorite gadgets that are not games/phones/etc, or battery operated and no this isn’t a post about B.O.B.s!…let’s step UP to the gutter folks!

1.  Rice Cooker.  We LOVE rice.  Brown Rice, Basmati Rice, Jasmine Rice, Spanish Rice…they all are in regular rotation in our menus.  In the past, I found making rice on the stove top to be hit or miss.  Sometimes the rice would come out okay, but most of the time it was either too mushy or too dry.  I purchased a Rice Cooker a few years back and now we have PERFECT rice every single time.  You can do other things with the rice cooker, like steam veggies and the like, but I use mine for cooking rice…duh. 

2.  Pressure Cooker.  I grew up with the sound of the pressure cooker hissing in my mom and mamaw’s kitchens.  Older versions have this counter-weight you put on the pressure valve, and when the pot reaches pressure the valve swings back and forth making a sound similar to the sound of cicadas in the Summer…anyway, I have a newer version and it saves so much time cooking.  You can cook a pot of green beans in literally 5 minutes!  You can make a whole pot roast in less than 30!  It is a working and/or just busy parent’s savior.  One of the added benefits of the pressure cooker is you use very little water when cooking veggies/meats so that means many of the good flavors and vitamins are locked in via the steam pressure.  Roasts come out fork tender…I kid you not!  It does take some getting used to, because I am a pot-peeker.  I like to open the lid, sample, and peek at what is cooking.  You have to learn to TRUST the pressure cooker, there is no peeking or opening the lid to check it out. 

3.  Trampoline.  YES I know how unsafe they are…yadda, yadda, yadda.  I also know that my kids saved up their money for a whole YEAR and paid for 75% of the trampoline.  It is used within sight of an adult and with rules.  We also researched (you are shocked I know) and found the “safest” one we could buy.  It is not the $150 special, trust me.  Anyway, my kids LOVE the trampoline.  They have had it for about a year now and have spent countless HOURS jumping away.  They get lots of good cardio, and mommy gets to drink her wine and watch them…just kidding…sometimes I don’t watch them. 

4. DVR.  I adore my DVR.  There are some shows (Have you checked out Duck Dynasty or An Idiot Abroad?…hilarious), that I really enjoy watching.  I am also very busy running mom’s taxi service, so I don’t really have a lot of time to watch said TV.  So, I rely on my DVR.  It is also awesome for recording kid appropriate shows, although mine is usually so full of episodes of Game of Thrones, True Blood and other things there isn’t room for kid shows.  Hottie Husband and I will usually pick a Sunday every few weeks and call Pajama Day.  We all keep our jammies on all day, eat breakfast food and get caught up on our shows.  I call Pajama Day a day in HEAVEN! The bestest feature of all on the DVR is you can fast forward through commercials, so you can watch an hour show in about 42 minutes!

5.  Whirly Pop.   This is a stove top popcorn popper with a paddle in it that you spin to keep the popcorn from burning.  I can’t stand microwave popcorn, and this makes the most awesomist popcorn.  This thing should be plated in gold and given an award.  I kid you not!  I got mine from an Amish store many years ago, but I now see they are readily available from Amazon.com and other places.  We have a local popcorn distributor and if we are feeling really gourmet, we will go there and buy different types of popcorn (did you know they have BLUE popcorn, and popcorn with no hulls?). 

6. Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer.  I cook a lot.  I looked through the calendar and in the last 60 days we have gone out or had take out only 3 times.  Cooking is almost like therapy for me.  Unfortunately, with working full time and running Mom’s Taxi Service as a second job, I do not have as much time in the kitchen as I’d like.  So, I love my stand mixer because it does a lot of the work for me.  I have the meat grinding, pasta making, and slicing attachments.  I can get an indentured servant (kid) to do the grinding/slicing/kneading while I am doing something else towards the meal preparation.  When we remodeled our Kitchen (see remodel from Hell parts 1, 2, 3), I took the measurements of my mixer with me when working with the designer.  I had to be SURE that my mixer would fit exactly where I wanted it on my counter top.

7.  Keurig.  OMG, the only thing that keeps me going is coffee.  The Keurig makes the BEST coffee I have ever had.  It even has a timer on it, so the water is ready to brew my first cup of awesomeness as soon as I come down the stairs in the mornings.  I do not even miss what used to be my almost daily trip through the Starbucks or Big B coffee stands anymore.  As a bonus, I have more money to spend on k-cups and get to work 15 minutes earlier every day!

Until next time,
Nic

P.S. Did you know there is a Momginerd FaceBook page?  Also, some of my best sarcasm can be found on my Pinterest!

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My Favorite "Time Fillers"

Momginerd
I have the sort of job where it is either running at full tilt in a total panic….or waiting.  I have to say I much prefer the panic days as the work hours go by much more quickly.  Unfortunately, there are periods of waiting for a purchase order or similar that can last a week or longer.  During those periods, I try to do work related research…but, honestly I also spend time on some of my favorite time filler websites and aps.  Since I started using my iPhone, I have found that there are really cool time-fillers in the form of Aps and Games.  I am not putting the ususal suspects like FaceBook or Twitter, but more of the places/Aps I personally like that may be new to you.
Here they are, in no particular order (again, lists rule my life)
  1. Angry Birds:  Pretty much any version of this game will suck me in and make me beg one of my children to defeat a level for me.  Lately, I have been on the Angry Birds Space edition.  It is SO awesome because you have to take into consideration the orbit and gravity.   

2.  Sh*t My Kids Have Ruined: This is a website dedicated to users uploading pictures of items in their households their children have either destroyed, ruined, or added some artistic flavor to with their permanent markers.  This website is definitely not to be used as a parenting manual, but it has some truly epic parenting FAILS that will make you laugh till you pee on yourself (okay, maybe not YOU but I have had 3 kids so don’t judge).



I am sure the dog didn’t mind…NOT



3.  Regretsy:  Oh my Maude, if you can look at some of the craptastic stuff on this site and not go WHUCK? Your brain is made of different stuff than mine.  This site puts up REAL items that are for sale by Etsy or eBay that truly show how some people will call anything Art.  Even what looks to me like a bunch of melted wax vaguely resembling a nose with light bulbs for boogers.  The biggest shocker is this was SOLD to someone.  Who, what, where….I don’t even think I want to know the type of person that would put a light bulb booger blowing nose up in their house.  I am sure someone in that house is instructing it to put the lotion on…..
4.  Go Away:  This is a blog by David Thorne.  This blog will make you laugh until you cry.  He basically makes it his mission to use sarcasm and wit to annoy his co-workers.  Please be sure to check out his post called “Missing Missy.”  I love that post so much that I actually read it aloud to my department and showed the pictures….Unfortunately, they really didn’t understand what I was saying because I was laughing so hard my words were unintelligible!
5.  Pinterest:  They need to call it CRACKerest, because it is that addictive.   I have the mobile ap for my phone, a “Pin it” button on all my browsers, and check in on my pins or pin something almost as much as I check my FB account.  It is an invite only type thing, but they aren’t too picky (obviously since I got an account) on who they let in….if you need an invite leave me a comment and I can send one to you.  It really isn’t only a waste of time, because I use it almost like a virtual post-it note.  If I am looking for ideas for my garden, I will pin the picture to refer to later….same goes with recipes to try, places I’d like to travel, etc…. If you have never been to this site, please consider this your warning to check out a 12 step program prior to becoming addicted ;-).

6. Damn you auto correct:  I have to put a disclaimer that this is not an at work time filler.  Big Brother blocks it, and it is a good thing, because most of these contain strong adult language.  However, it is SO funny.  I don’t even care if they are all fake, I enjoy them just for the laughs.  Anyone who has ever had a smartphone and likes to text has been the victim of autocorrect.  Personally, my autocorrect kept turning the my Hottie Husband’s name into the word Tuna, so now his poor kids are known as the Tunas in our house (not to their faces, but as in “what time are you picking up the tunas?”).

7.  Words With Friends:  LOVE this ap on my iPhone which is also linked to my FaceBook account.  It is scrabble that you can play with your friends (duh!).  I usually have 6 – 8 games going simultaneously and have learned so many new words that I just thought I made up, but were actually REAL words!  Did you know that “Metope” is a REAL word, and not just a cool way to use the letter P (turns out it is an architectual term for the distance between 2 tryglyphs…now I want to use tryglyphs in Words With Friends!)?

What are some of your favorite time fillers?  Not that I need another addiction, but I am always on the look out for a great laugh!

Until next time….you can follow me on Pinterest, Twitter and check out my Momginerd FaceBook page!
Nic

P.S. If you like this blog, can you do me a favor and hit the “like” button over on the left and share it with your friends?

work

Dear Dumbass Manager:

Momginerd
Not the actual dumbass, but an actor portraying him

Dear Dumbass at work,
You are a major f-tard.  Just because you screwed up and are now scrambling to find a scapegoat for your misguided actions I will NOT be your punching bag.  In case you didn’t notice, you are 6’3″ and I am 5’1″, so it is probably unlikely that I was bullying you when I pointed out the reality of your lackadaisical actions over the past 9 months.  Yes, now YOU have some ‘splaining to do and I am not going to bail you out.  YOU are the one with the 2 fancy lease cars, corner office, and staff.  I am the peon that has been going behind you cleaning up your shit-pile like a street sweeper.  Is it really my fault that now you are being questioned?  Should I just bury my head in the sand  like you have, and pretend that it is all going to work out when clearly you have created a big f’n mess?  I think not.  Oh, and YES I have documented every.single.time you declined to act on the situation, so just try to blame me.

For what it is worth, you may have felt better venting your pedantic frustrations on me, but you looked like a major ass.  All 5 people who witnessed your toddler-like outburst were full of indignation and umbrage after our meeting.  As far as your comment that I was “yelling at you”, all the while you were standing over me, projecting spittle in my direction and banging the table, next time I will try whispering.  Pardon me, I didn’t realize that you had such sensitive hearing to rational speech.

Can’t wait to see how you explain this!

I have decided that passive resistance is the way to go with you.  So even though you deserve to be brought to the carpet for your actions, I will be sitting back and watching you crash and burn.  I am sure the VP will be happy to know your decisions has cost the company a lot of money!  I hope you enjoyed your little venting session, because when you are the PEON next month, I am sure you will be handed your ass to yourself on a shiny platter.  Meanwhile, I will be laughing my ass off!

So, congratulations!  You are the idiot of the year.  Let me know how you like the reward that will be coming to you soon ‘cuz I am sure the company will appreciate your attempt to play hide the weeny with their money!

Even David thinks you are an idiot!
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Things Kids Say

Momginerd

Here is a short compliation of some of the things I have overheard in my house in the past couple of weeks. Obviously, Princepessa is a born comedienne Feel free to laugh, and even better, add your own in the comments section!

Princepessa to Manudo (6 and 12): Mom said for you to put on your bra, Manudo.  She said you will be in PUBLIC and you have to wear a bra.  I am special cuz I don’t have to put one on, not.even.in.public!  Manudo:  Well that’s becausse you are only 6 and haven’t joined the IBT club, you’re still a BABY. 
Princepessa:  I am never joining that club, I am going to be a boy when I grow up!

Bubbie to Manudo (Bubbie is 8):  today all the kids were making fun of me in school because I am the shortest kid in class.
Manudo:  You aren’t short, you are FUN sized!

Princepessa to HH and me: Why haven’t you guys kissed lately?  HH and I proceed to kiss.
Princepessa: “Oh the horror!  my eyes, they are melting!!!”

Bubbie to Princepessa:  You are so annoying, I am going to sell you on eBay when I grow up!
Princepessa:  Well, mom was going to try that but decided not to because she said they’d send me back. 
Manudo to HH: But WHY do I have to learn algebra!  You are an engineer and I heard you say how dumb algebra is and how you never ever use it…you just do Excel formuals! 
HH: *crickets*
Princepessa to the dog:  You are the best dog in the whole world.  I love you so much!  I do wish you were a cat, though.  They are softer and like to purr.
Bubbie to Princepessa:  You SO do not my old room in the basement, you will be scared.  It is very dark and there may be monsters!
Princepessa: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I have been sharing a room with a monster named Manudo for 6 whole years!  I love the dark lonely basement, all by myself!
Till next time,
Nic
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Welcome to the Geekside

Momginerd

Steve Jobs via Apple’s Ad campaign said it best:

To all you non-conformists, wierdos, nerds, geeks, techno-dweebs, oddballs, freaks, and crazies, I love you…keep up the good work because you are the ones who will one day change the world.  When you look back through history at the “change makers” who do you think of?  I think of people who did not just sit down and shut up, they stood up and SCREAMED their outrage.  They didn’t listen to the nay-sayers that said “it couldn’t be done.”  They proved them wrong in the face of all adversity…even when they may have thought deep down in their hearts that perhaps they couldn’t, they did not quit.

I invite all of you to be a geek, an oddball, a freak or a nerd.  Come on over, the conversation is always stimulating and some of us are even a slight bit funny!

Nic

P.S.  We usually have cool gadgets and good advice on how to fix your computer, program your remote, and knowledge of other esoteric things you may be curious about!