Tag: feminism

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Three legs of a healthy relationship

Momginerd

Warning!  This will not by a typical Momginerd blog with lots of sarcasm and humor, but I do still think it has a lot of good messages to share.

When my relationships start to falter,  I spend a lot of time reflecting on what went wrong and why.  I came up with an analogy to a 3-legged stool that I think are the basics of a healthy, long term, and happy relationship. 



[apathy+mcs.jpg]
When you just don’t
care enough to care

Emotional:  You need to have an emotional connection to your partner.  By this, I mean you need to feel about your partner’s happiness, in many ways, more than you do about your own.  If your partner is unhappy, then you will be too.  If your partner is happy then you feel better as well.  When you have an emotional connection with someone it is almost like you are linked metaphysically.  Their emotions have a direct effect on your own.  By having the emotional connection to each other you are more in tune in many ways to the non-verbal cues that they are offering.  When you don’t have that connection, you are clueless as to how they feel and it can lead to feelings of apathy towards each other.  When you feel apathetic towards your partner, I think, it is the beginning of the end.  You have lost all emotional connection and you just don’t care enough anymore to try and get it back. 
Physical:  Well, this one should be pretty self-explanatory.  You MUST be attracted to your partner.  And by attracted I mean more than just the feelings of lust you have at the beginning of a relationship.  Sure, that is physical and is important, but it really doesn’t last if there aren’t more things you find are attractive about your partner than the color of their eyes or hair or if they have an incredible body.  To me the physical goes beyond the immediate lust to the little things that makes my partner irresistible to me.  The twinkle in his eye when he gets my jokes.  The smile that he reserves ONLY for me that tells me in one instant I am the woman for him, he loves and adores me despite my numerous flaws.  But, at the end of the day a partner’s actual physical appearance from afar isn’t the most important thing to me. 

Intellectual:  By intellectual I do not mean to imply that your partner needs to have an IQ above 140, or even that both partners have to have matching intelligence and educational levels.  I mean that you have to be able to connect with your partner in an intellectual way.  You need to be able to communicate your feelings/thoughts/issues/problems in a way you can both understand.  If you can’t have a conversation about a topic you care about with your partner, then it is very difficult to accomplish many other tasks in a relationship.  Intellectual compatibility is SO important when it comes to family decisions on how to raise your children, how to manage finances, and long term goal planning.  You don’t have to AGREE, you just have to be able to value the differences and see them as strengths. I believe there has to be a coming of the minds so that when one has an important issue that the other one understands exactly what the issue is and that you work as a partnership to fix the problem.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in the concept of a “perfect couple.” Most have  had bad relationships in the past and I believe you have to put the utmost importance on communication.  There will be certain topics (Ex’s, kids, politics) that you may not see eye to eye, but, a true partnership works to find and accept the good in both the things you agree on and, more so, the ones you disagree on.  Take the time to LISTEN actively, and you may find sound logic for your partner’s positions.   
Intellectual compatibility is also tied with empathy towards each other.  Empathy only comes when one can truly understand how and why their partner feels certain ways about different topics.  My personal cross to bear is making sure that I place the same value on my partners issues/concerns as he does.  For example,  I am used to doing 1000 different things per day, most of them all at the same time.  On the other hand, a potential partner may like to accomplish one task and move on to the next.  I have to be cognizant of how my partner may think and not add to his stress by constant bitching and offering up “solutions” to what I perceive as his issues.  You see, to him this may not be an issue it is just who he is as a person.  And yes, it probably would drive me nuts and I may have to take a step back and realize he is the sum of all of the things I love about him, not just the pieces I want to change. 
I 100% believe that when a relationship has all three legs, and all three are strong, that the relationship can last a life-time.  When you are missing one of the legs, or that part of the relationship breaks, you end up either living in an apathetic relationship or you go your separate ways.

This is my goal, a love to last a lifetime

Like I said, I am not a relationship expert, and I don’t even play on on TV, however this is how I feel and think.  What do you think?  Am I off base?  What have been your past experiences?

Leave a comment and let me know!

Until next time (which will be funnier, I promise),
Nic

divorce, parenting

Making divorce with kids involved work….sort of…..

Momginerd

Lately I have been getting a few questions from colleagues and friends as to just how I make my divorce work.  And eventhought Divorce and Making Things Work seems to be dichotomus, I thought I’d share some of the strategies that I have chosen to use and, thankfully, Ex follows along (if only he was so ammendable when we were married!).

1.  Keep the kids first

Whenever I am deciding on a schedule change for the kids, personal decisions relating to my career, vacations, meal planning, etc I ALWAYS think of the kids first.  If this change or decision would add undue stress to their schedules of lives, I just do not do it, or I change my plans.  Even though I am remarried, HH is perfectly clear and understanding that the kids come first, and he, poor soul is a distant 4th.

 

2.  Communicate, communicate, communicate
We use ALL these and more to keep
try and keep in touch, it seems.
Ex and I communicate every.single.mother.furking.day.  Seriously!  We either text, phone or email daily updates about the kids at least once a day.  Some days, it seems like I talk to my Ex more than I talk to HH.  I will admit, when we were in the process of getting divorced this communication wasn’t always pleasant or positive.  It took time, energy, patience and dedication to strategy #1 for us both to make it work.  I automatically forward every email/text I receive dealing with any of the kids school/social/athletic events.  I will also Text and/or call Ex to REMIND him of events and exactly what is required for said event (special shirt, $$, gear, etc).  It takes a lot of time, energy and patience, but it makes #1 work better…at the end of the day my mantra is “It is for the kids, if they are happy, I am happy.”
3.  Agree to disagree

Ex and I definitely have different ideas on raising kids, morals, religion, etc.  If we didn’t then we most likely would not be Exes.  We finally came to a point about 6 months after our divorce was finalized that we agreed to disagree.  This means that sometimes he makes decisions I don’t agree with (like having a babysitter for the kids almost every weekend he has them), but I do my best to keep my $.02 to myself about his decisions.  He does the same for me, although he has little to complain about since I am so perfect ;-).

4.  Let go and FORGIVE

OMG! They are KISSING
AGAIN!!!!!

 

No matter the circumstances that led to the end of your marriage you must learn to forgive your ex and more importantly, yourself.  There can never be the end of a relationship that resulted in children when both parties do not feel some sort of guilt.  Learning to forgive yourself and your ex will allow you to move on and become a better parent.  Most folks had NO clue that Ex and I were going to get a divorce…until we did.  We didn’t fight, we didn’t argue….we also didn’t love each other anymore.  We were two people living separate lives in the same house.  We do more together NOW than we did when we were married.  I felt SO guilty about “breaking up my family and doing this to my kids.”  I finally forgave myself when I realized that the marriage I had was NOT the example I wanted to set forth for my kids of a healthy adult relationship.
Until next time,
Nic
Uncategorized

Have some self respect already!

Momginerd

I wouldn’t exactly call myself a feminist.  I mean, I like being treated like a lady, having my door opened, being wooed as much as the next woman.  However, perhaps because of my career (Engineer in manufacturing for any newbies to the site), I have a different perspective on the line between being a bra burning feminist and a lady.  I also think that because I work in a male dominated (and lets face it, a better description is meathead dominated) job, I have developed dos and don’ts for how I handle myself and what I think (no, you don’t have to think like I do) is appropriate clothing for girls and women in public (what you all do in your own homes is your business!).

WHUCK?!?!?

For example, I do not think it is appropriate for young ladies to wear see-through shirts, daisy duke shorts, high heels, or thong underwear…all of which I saw with advertising targeted towards my 7th grade daughter while back to school shopping.  It is not in my goals as a parent to teach my child to look like a whore…ever.  Of course, I am in the minority in that my almost 12 year old is one of the few girls in her school that do not go to class with full-on make up either.  I am fine with it…Manudo, hasn’t complained too much yet, but I plan on using the “When I was growing up….” explanation cuz we all know kids LOVE that one!
I also think it is inappropriate for adult women (and I use this term loosely) to wear clothing that is gender degrading.  Why in the world would a grown woman want to walk around wearing a Hooter’s T-shirt, or even worse one from Playboy or Hustler?  Especially when all of those built their MALE owned companies based on the objectification of women and their bodies.  And before you ask, No, I haven’t had the wings, and I don’t care if they give me 3 minutes in heaven, you cannot tell me that most of the people who go there are going for the wings and not the, well, hooters. I am sure these are the same people who claim they read playboy and hustler for the “intellectually” stimulating articles….These people think women are here not only to be objectified but that they are dumb too! 
However, I guess if your life’s goal as a woman is to have men stare at your boobs all day by choice then you are being successful.  Bravo!  Let me know how that works for you when your boobs are closer to your knees and you haven’t learned to get men to look you in the eye when talking to you.
I also believe that as a mom it is my job to teach both my daughters and even more importantly my son to respect women.  Why is it that we all want our sons to be mommy’s boy, but then society is okay with said son becoming a person who disrespects woman (and by association their mothers) once they grow a few hairs you know where?  Isn’t it important for our sons to think of women as smart, independent, and valuable life partners?  Isn’t it important to teach our daughters to love their female friends and respect them?  I am so upset by all the girl to girl bullying these days.  It is bad enough that young girls have to compete with society’s vision of how they should look/act/dress, but to have to compete with their own female peers is just horrible. 
Men, women, girls, boys, we all need to realize that women aren’t going anywhere, especially not back to heels and aprons and thinking that we are only as valuable as the men who care for us.  All women deserve respect especially from themselves!



That’s not a smile, it is a grimace cuz her
feet are KILLING her!

Rant over…..for now!
Nic


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Working in a Gender Bending Role…….The Negatives

Momginerd

Last week I focused on the positives of working in a non-traditional career.  Today, I plan on cluing you in to some of the more unpleasant aspects.

1.  No, I am not an expert on ALL things female.  I am sorry, but I do not know why your wife acts the way she does (except perhaps because YOU are a jackhole?) when you complain about why your dinner isn’t prepared when you get home.  I have NO idea why she has denied you sex, drives the way she does, asks you the questions she does, or ignores your pleas for her to change.  Please talk to your wife, not me.  Having boobs does not make me an expert on all things female, just sayin’.

2.  The noises.  Working in cubeville with all men leads to overhearing sounds that I give time-outs to for my own son.  Some of the doozies are:  Snorking, the act of sucking snot while clearing your throat resulting in a sound that resembles a Canadian Goose dying.  Farting, no definition required, I am sure.  Burping/belching, this occurs a lot, and loudly, and is usually accompanied by a description of exactly which food led to said expelling of gas and how it tasted “coming back up.”  Horking, like snorking, but without the snot sucking….just as gross and usually proceeds the sound of Spitting into the nearest trash can.

3.  The advice.  Just because you happen to have a penis and 10 or more years on me, does not make you the expert on all things dealing with me, my parenting, my marriage, my weight, my diet, my health, how I color my hair, my driving, how I spend my free time, which beverages I like to consume when not working, or what a “smart and pretty lady like you should do next in my career.”
4.  The Nicknames.  Oh yeah, I have a few.  Some of them are mean, some are condescending and pretty much most of them are inappropriate.  I have been dubbed the Princess Bitch, Little Lady, Work Wife, Bossy Lady, Aggressive Wench….etc, I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture.  I would like to say that just because I am in charge, I am not a bitch.  I don’t hear you bitching about the Men who have similar expectations of you….my having female parts does not detract from the fact that I have a brain and I have earned my spot as a leader.  So, STFU and keep it to yourself.

5.  Did you know that if there is a woman in a generally all male workgroup it is the unspoken rule that said woman must organize all social events for the group?  She must remember all birthdays and arrange for any activities for the birthday?  She is also in charge of collecting and purchasing gifts for the group members’ wives who have children.  I did not realize that a vijayjay came with the unique ability to be the work wife of every person who works in my department!  Thanks….especially since when I was the one having the babies, nobody did jack shit.  I guess I should have purchased something for myself and then asked for donations and passed around my own card….Jackholes.

6.  Guilt.  I believe that when you work with all men, mommy guilt tends to be magnified.  Most of the men I work with when their kids are ill and unable to go to school their wives take care of them.  Well, I am the MOM and my kids want me when they are sick.  They also want me to go to their graduations, games and other activities that to me are more important than keeping a chair warm at my office.  I am mobile and always available via BlackBerry and laptop.  I am actually more productive from home as all my co-workers aren’t coming by to ask me about all their wives “womanly issues.”  However, it never fails that if I take time to do something for my kids, I get a snide comment from a co-worker the next day.

So, there are a few snippets of being a woman working in a Man’s world.  All in all, I enjoy it, but there are some days I want to just remind them of their manners and put them in time-out!

Until next time,
Nic