divorce – Momginerd

Warning! This will not by a typical Momginerd blog with lots of sarcasm and humor, but I do still think it has a lot of good messages to share.

When my relationships start to falter, I spend a lot of time reflecting on what went wrong and why. I came up with an analogy to a 3-legged stool that I think are the basics of a healthy, long term, and happy relationship.

When you just don’t
care enough to care

Emotional: You need to have an emotional connection to your partner. By this, I mean you need to feel about your partner’s happiness, in many ways, more than you do about your own. If your partner is unhappy, then you will be too. If your partner is happy then you feel better as well. When you have an emotional connection with someone it is almost like you are linked metaphysically. Their emotions have a direct effect on your own. By having the emotional connection to each other you are more in tune in many ways to the non-verbal cues that they are offering. When you don’t have that connection, you are clueless as to how they feel and it can lead to feelings of apathy towards each other. When you feel apathetic towards your partner, I think, it is the beginning of the end. You have lost all emotional connection and you just don’t care enough anymore to try and get it back.

Physical: Well, this one should be pretty self-explanatory. You MUST be attracted to your partner. And by attracted I mean more than just the feelings of lust you have at the beginning of a relationship. Sure, that is physical and is important, but it really doesn’t last if there aren’t more things you find are attractive about your partner than the color of their eyes or hair or if they have an incredible body. To me the physical goes beyond the immediate lust to the little things that makes my partner irresistible to me. The twinkle in his eye when he gets my jokes. The smile that he reserves ONLY for me that tells me in one instant I am the woman for him, he loves and adores me despite my numerous flaws. But, at the end of the day a partner’s actual physical appearance from afar isn’t the most important thing to me.

Intellectual: By intellectual I do not mean to imply that your partner needs to have an IQ above 140, or even that both partners have to have matching intelligence and educational levels. I mean that you have to be able to connect with your partner in an intellectual way. You need to be able to communicate your feelings/thoughts/issues/problems in a way you can both understand. If you can’t have a conversation about a topic you care about with your partner, then it is very difficult to accomplish many other tasks in a relationship. Intellectual compatibility is SO important when it comes to family decisions on how to raise your children, how to manage finances, and long term goal planning. You don’t have to AGREE, you just have to be able to value the differences and see them as strengths. I believe there has to be a coming of the minds so that when one has an important issue that the other one understands exactly what the issue is and that you work as a partnership to fix the problem. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in the concept of a “perfect couple.” Most have had bad relationships in the past and I believe you have to put the utmost importance on communication. There will be certain topics (Ex’s, kids, politics) that you may not see eye to eye, but, a true partnership works to find and accept the good in both the things you agree on and, more so, the ones you disagree on. Take the time to LISTEN actively, and you may find sound logic for your partner’s positions.

Intellectual compatibility is also tied with empathy towards each other. Empathy only comes when one can truly understand how and why their partner feels certain ways about different topics. My personal cross to bear is making sure that I place the same value on my partners issues/concerns as he does. For example, I am used to doing 1000 different things per day, most of them all at the same time. On the other hand, a potential partner may like to accomplish one task and move on to the next. I have to be cognizant of how my partner may think and not add to his stress by constant bitching and offering up “solutions” to what I perceive as his issues. You see, to him this may not be an issue it is just who he is as a person. And yes, it probably would drive me nuts and I may have to take a step back and realize he is the sum of all of the things I love about him, not just the pieces I want to change.

I 100% believe that when a relationship has all three legs, and all three are strong, that the relationship can last a life-time. When you are missing one of the legs, or that part of the relationship breaks, you end up either living in an apathetic relationship or you go your separate ways.

This is my goal, a love to last a lifetime

Like I said, I am not a relationship expert, and I don’t even play on on TV, however this is how I feel and think. What do you think? Am I off base? What have been your past experiences?

Leave a comment and let me know!

Until next time (which will be funnier, I promise),
Nic

Lately I have been getting a few questions from colleagues and friends as to just how I make my divorce work. And eventhought Divorce and Making Things Work seems to be dichotomus, I thought I’d share some of the strategies that I have chosen to use and, thankfully, Ex follows along (if only he was so ammendable when we were married!).

1. Keep the kids first

Whenever I am deciding on a schedule change for the kids, personal decisions relating to my career, vacations, meal planning, etc I ALWAYS think of the kids first. If this change or decision would add undue stress to their schedules of lives, I just do not do it, or I change my plans. Even though I am remarried, HH is perfectly clear and understanding that the kids come first, and he, poor soul is a distant 4th.

2. Communicate, communicate, communicate

We use ALL these and more to keep
try and keep in touch, it seems.

Ex and I communicate every.single.mother.furking.day. Seriously! We either text, phone or email daily updates about the kids at least once a day. Some days, it seems like I talk to my Ex more than I talk to HH. I will admit, when we were in the process of getting divorced this communication wasn’t always pleasant or positive. It took time, energy, patience and dedication to strategy #1 for us both to make it work. I automatically forward every email/text I receive dealing with any of the kids school/social/athletic events. I will also Text and/or call Ex to REMIND him of events and exactly what is required for said event (special shirt, $$, gear, etc). It takes a lot of time, energy and patience, but it makes #1 work better…at the end of the day my mantra is “It is for the kids, if they are happy, I am happy.”

3. Agree to disagree

Ex and I definitely have different ideas on raising kids, morals, religion, etc. If we didn’t then we most likely would not be Exes. We finally came to a point about 6 months after our divorce was finalized that we agreed to disagree. This means that sometimes he makes decisions I don’t agree with (like having a babysitter for the kids almost every weekend he has them), but I do my best to keep my $.02 to myself about his decisions. He does the same for me, although he has little to complain about since I am so perfect ;-).

4. Let go and FORGIVE

OMG! They are KISSING
AGAIN!!!!!

No matter the circumstances that led to the end of your marriage you must learn to forgive your ex and more importantly, yourself. There can never be the end of a relationship that resulted in children when both parties do not feel some sort of guilt. Learning to forgive yourself and your ex will allow you to move on and become a better parent. Most folks had NO clue that Ex and I were going to get a divorce…until we did. We didn’t fight, we didn’t argue….we also didn’t love each other anymore. We were two people living separate lives in the same house. We do more together NOW than we did when we were married. I felt SO guilty about “breaking up my family and doing this to my kids.” I finally forgave myself when I realized that the marriage I had was NOT the example I wanted to set forth for my kids of a healthy adult relationship.

Until next time,

Nic

Tag: divorce

Three legs of a healthy relationship

Making divorce with kids involved work….sort of…..