disagreement – Momginerd

What the Hell?

August 2, 2012September 11, 2018 Momginerd

I do not label myself based on politics. I may be labeled a liberal by conservatives or a conservative by liberals, but I really do not give a rat’s ass. What I am is a self thinking adult, I like to call myself a Humanist. I do not blindly follow ANY doctrine just because it is affiliated with a certain party/religion/group. I try to base my decisions on rational facts. I look at the pros/cons and then I make my own decision….some of which are based on emotion, I will confess. For example, I do not, will not ever, shop at Wal-Mart. I would rather spend extra money at another store, or drive extra miles than to give my money to them. I base this a personal decision on their policies towards women, benefits, and “take over the world” mentality. Hooters is another establishment that doesn’t get my money. It isn’t even based on fact, but just my emotional feeling that women shouldn’t have to dress provocatively to make money. Do their wings taste bad if the girls aren’t in hoochie clothes? The difference is I have the right to choose who gets my money, but I do not think that companies can morally say who they can take their money from.

Recently all the hoopla about Chick-fil-A has been making me confused and angry. I do not know if it was a brilliant way to get fat, lemming like Americans to eat more Fried Chicken, or if the ownership of that company really does not like 1/10th of the human population and feels that their money isn’t good enough for them. Whatever it is, I will NOT be eating there (although admittedly I don’t know if I ever have eaten there). To PROFIT off of alienating a group of people who just want to live their lives is shameful. I thought being a Christian meant that you have love and forgiveness for ALL people? I thought that being an American means protecting the rights of all? I don’t even care that they label themselves as a Christian establishment and are closed on Sundays. What bothers me is that they label themselves a Christian establishment and PROMOTE the hatred of human beings who are different.

When did Americans get so sanctimonious?

The Statue of Liberty tells us: “Give me your tired, your poor/ Your huddled masses yearning to breath free/ The wretched refuse of your teeming shore/ Send these, The homeless, tempest-tossed to me/ I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” I do not see anything in that statement about not letting in someone based on their sexual orientation.

I get that people join certain organizations (and I am pretty upset with the Boy Scouts right now, but that is a rant for another day) because those organizations are in line with their personal belief systems. However, an establishment that is for profit really should be open to ALL people, and their policy shouldn’t be to not hire/serve/cater to humans who are different. Would it be okay to start a restaurant that says no one with Autism can eat there because they may disturb the other patrons? It would be wrong because people with Autism are born that way….Just like people who are LGBT. Would anyone choose to be something that they know will result in them being the target of hatred, fear and persecution? Not if they have one ounce of intelligence in their brains. A better idea would be for Chick-fil-A to limit their service to obese people, however I guess the part about gluttony being a sin doesn’t matter as much to them as other passages in the Bible.

I have friends who I adore, love and cherish who believe differently than me and have different lifestyles than mine, and that is Okay! I would never base my friendship on if someone believes like me or agrees with me. I welcome their differences and always learn something or think about an issue I have not had to face before. I have friends that are gay, friends that are tea-baggers, Muslim friends, funny friends, serious friends, friends that are liberals, and friends that are just as confused as I am. It makes my life more enriched and allows me to better formulate my own personal opinion based on FACTS and not what I see on the news or am “instructed” to believe by politicians and other organizations.

Life is only black and white until you are forced into the gray. Usually you are forced into the gray because someone you love and adore goes through something that makes you open your eyes and have empathy. I hope for my children that they are not gay, because every parent does not want their child to be persecuted. However, if one or more of them are, I will still love, support, and make my own damn fried chicken for them!

I encourage you all to think about if someone you love dearly was told they were wrong/sinful/an abomination because of a circumstance of their birth. Does any other human being really have the right to judge? And, if we are judging, shouldn’t we judge on all criterion not just the ones that suit us and allow us to feel superior to others? Pride from self-righteousness is a sin too…….

Rant over…sorry if anyone was offended by my opinion. That’s okay if you are different, I will love and respect you anyway!

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Three legs of a healthy relationship

September 28, 2011September 11, 2018 Momginerd

Warning! This will not by a typical Momginerd blog with lots of sarcasm and humor, but I do still think it has a lot of good messages to share.

When my relationships start to falter, I spend a lot of time reflecting on what went wrong and why. I came up with an analogy to a 3-legged stool that I think are the basics of a healthy, long term, and happy relationship.

When you just don’t
care enough to care

Emotional: You need to have an emotional connection to your partner. By this, I mean you need to feel about your partner’s happiness, in many ways, more than you do about your own. If your partner is unhappy, then you will be too. If your partner is happy then you feel better as well. When you have an emotional connection with someone it is almost like you are linked metaphysically. Their emotions have a direct effect on your own. By having the emotional connection to each other you are more in tune in many ways to the non-verbal cues that they are offering. When you don’t have that connection, you are clueless as to how they feel and it can lead to feelings of apathy towards each other. When you feel apathetic towards your partner, I think, it is the beginning of the end. You have lost all emotional connection and you just don’t care enough anymore to try and get it back.

Physical: Well, this one should be pretty self-explanatory. You MUST be attracted to your partner. And by attracted I mean more than just the feelings of lust you have at the beginning of a relationship. Sure, that is physical and is important, but it really doesn’t last if there aren’t more things you find are attractive about your partner than the color of their eyes or hair or if they have an incredible body. To me the physical goes beyond the immediate lust to the little things that makes my partner irresistible to me. The twinkle in his eye when he gets my jokes. The smile that he reserves ONLY for me that tells me in one instant I am the woman for him, he loves and adores me despite my numerous flaws. But, at the end of the day a partner’s actual physical appearance from afar isn’t the most important thing to me.

Intellectual: By intellectual I do not mean to imply that your partner needs to have an IQ above 140, or even that both partners have to have matching intelligence and educational levels. I mean that you have to be able to connect with your partner in an intellectual way. You need to be able to communicate your feelings/thoughts/issues/problems in a way you can both understand. If you can’t have a conversation about a topic you care about with your partner, then it is very difficult to accomplish many other tasks in a relationship. Intellectual compatibility is SO important when it comes to family decisions on how to raise your children, how to manage finances, and long term goal planning. You don’t have to AGREE, you just have to be able to value the differences and see them as strengths. I believe there has to be a coming of the minds so that when one has an important issue that the other one understands exactly what the issue is and that you work as a partnership to fix the problem. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in the concept of a “perfect couple.” Most have had bad relationships in the past and I believe you have to put the utmost importance on communication. There will be certain topics (Ex’s, kids, politics) that you may not see eye to eye, but, a true partnership works to find and accept the good in both the things you agree on and, more so, the ones you disagree on. Take the time to LISTEN actively, and you may find sound logic for your partner’s positions.

Intellectual compatibility is also tied with empathy towards each other. Empathy only comes when one can truly understand how and why their partner feels certain ways about different topics. My personal cross to bear is making sure that I place the same value on my partners issues/concerns as he does. For example, I am used to doing 1000 different things per day, most of them all at the same time. On the other hand, a potential partner may like to accomplish one task and move on to the next. I have to be cognizant of how my partner may think and not add to his stress by constant bitching and offering up “solutions” to what I perceive as his issues. You see, to him this may not be an issue it is just who he is as a person. And yes, it probably would drive me nuts and I may have to take a step back and realize he is the sum of all of the things I love about him, not just the pieces I want to change.

I 100% believe that when a relationship has all three legs, and all three are strong, that the relationship can last a life-time. When you are missing one of the legs, or that part of the relationship breaks, you end up either living in an apathetic relationship or you go your separate ways.

This is my goal, a love to last a lifetime

Like I said, I am not a relationship expert, and I don’t even play on on TV, however this is how I feel and think. What do you think? Am I off base? What have been your past experiences?

No, I am not your wife anymore….

June 20, 2011September 13, 2018 Momginerd

My kids’ dad is still very much involved in their lives. We share 50/50 custody, so we interact a lot. A lot more than I would really like, but in the theme of “keeping the kids first” I always answer his calls and try to help him if he asks. My Ex likes to think that since we once were married, I should still do lots of favors for him…NO not that kind of favors, step up to the gutter people! ;-).

For example: He decided to get Lasik eye surgery. Not that big of a deal, but then he thought it was appropriate to ask ME to take him to his appointment. Um….really!?! I would have had to take one of my few precious vacation days to do this and I have much better things to do with my vacation days. I did, however, arrange for my uncle to take him. And, because I still felt guilty for not taking him, I made him a home cooked dinner and delivered it to his house that evening (yeah, I know, I am enabling the behavior).

Not a single day goes by when he doesn’t call me at least 10 times to ask me something. Sometimes they are important, like what exactly is it again that Bubbie is allergic to eating (yeah, you would think after 8 years he’d know what the kid can and can not eat, but I digress). Other times it is stupid shit. He literally called me 3 times once to ask directions to Manudo’s softball game. Did I mention that I bought him a GPS one year for Father’s day?
Some of the other lovely things he calls about is to ask me to set him up with my friends. Like I would do that? He wasn’t a good enough husband to me to stayed married to, so why would I foist him off one one of my friends, I mean I actually LIKE most of my friends? Now HH’s ex…that would be another story ;-). He also thinks that I am his permanent babysitter. Whenever he has a date, tickets to an event, golf game, hangnail, eye twitch or headache he thinks it is my job to take the kids. Most of the time I welcome the extra time with them, but sometimes I actually have plans! I mean, one of the benefits of sharing custody is that I actually can make plans sometimes without having to worry about hiring a babysitter. He then likes to pull the guilt trip on me if I occasionally say no. He will say: “but you are remarried so you have 2 adults to care for the kids….I am all alone.” I want to say to him: “Ever think you are all alone because you keep acting like you are still married to me?” What lady would want to be with someone who can’t even remember how to get to his daughter’s softball game, at the same field she had just played at 2 days ago, without calling his Ex 3 times for directions?

His latest “favor” is asking me to plan a vacation for him. He’d like me to make all the plans for him to take the kids on a vacation this Summer. He said, and I quote: “you know what they like, here is my budget, just tell me where and when and I will take them.” REALLY! Like I want to plan some fantasmic vacation for YOU to get all the credit? You know what they really like? Going someplace and having to do lots of chores. Let me know how that works out for you.

Now, as I said, 90% of the time I suck it up and help him out. But some days, I just want to tell him to stick it up his arse. I feel like I give, give, give, and 90% of the time he just takes. On the rare occasion I will ask him to return a favor, he invariably says no because he is golfing, watching TV, picking his ass, or any other myriad of excuses.

At the end of the day, I just keep chanting this mantra: It is for the kids, the kids appreciate that I help their dad out.

I know that one day the kids will know that even if I am the strict parent, I am the one that helped hold their lives together, especially their Dad’s.

I do have say that I am absolutely happy that my Ex is so involved with the kids, and he does try. I would much prefer to have to schedule and run his life than have him abandon or miss out on time with the kids. All in all, he is a great dad to them, he is just clueless about what is and is not appropriate to ask me.

Until next time!
Nic