Tag: custody

divorce, parenting

Making divorce with kids involved work….sort of…..

Momginerd

Lately I have been getting a few questions from colleagues and friends as to just how I make my divorce work.  And eventhought Divorce and Making Things Work seems to be dichotomus, I thought I’d share some of the strategies that I have chosen to use and, thankfully, Ex follows along (if only he was so ammendable when we were married!).

1.  Keep the kids first

Whenever I am deciding on a schedule change for the kids, personal decisions relating to my career, vacations, meal planning, etc I ALWAYS think of the kids first.  If this change or decision would add undue stress to their schedules of lives, I just do not do it, or I change my plans.  Even though I am remarried, HH is perfectly clear and understanding that the kids come first, and he, poor soul is a distant 4th.

 

2.  Communicate, communicate, communicate
We use ALL these and more to keep
try and keep in touch, it seems.
Ex and I communicate every.single.mother.furking.day.  Seriously!  We either text, phone or email daily updates about the kids at least once a day.  Some days, it seems like I talk to my Ex more than I talk to HH.  I will admit, when we were in the process of getting divorced this communication wasn’t always pleasant or positive.  It took time, energy, patience and dedication to strategy #1 for us both to make it work.  I automatically forward every email/text I receive dealing with any of the kids school/social/athletic events.  I will also Text and/or call Ex to REMIND him of events and exactly what is required for said event (special shirt, $$, gear, etc).  It takes a lot of time, energy and patience, but it makes #1 work better…at the end of the day my mantra is “It is for the kids, if they are happy, I am happy.”
3.  Agree to disagree

Ex and I definitely have different ideas on raising kids, morals, religion, etc.  If we didn’t then we most likely would not be Exes.  We finally came to a point about 6 months after our divorce was finalized that we agreed to disagree.  This means that sometimes he makes decisions I don’t agree with (like having a babysitter for the kids almost every weekend he has them), but I do my best to keep my $.02 to myself about his decisions.  He does the same for me, although he has little to complain about since I am so perfect ;-).

4.  Let go and FORGIVE

OMG! They are KISSING
AGAIN!!!!!

 

No matter the circumstances that led to the end of your marriage you must learn to forgive your ex and more importantly, yourself.  There can never be the end of a relationship that resulted in children when both parties do not feel some sort of guilt.  Learning to forgive yourself and your ex will allow you to move on and become a better parent.  Most folks had NO clue that Ex and I were going to get a divorce…until we did.  We didn’t fight, we didn’t argue….we also didn’t love each other anymore.  We were two people living separate lives in the same house.  We do more together NOW than we did when we were married.  I felt SO guilty about “breaking up my family and doing this to my kids.”  I finally forgave myself when I realized that the marriage I had was NOT the example I wanted to set forth for my kids of a healthy adult relationship.
Until next time,
Nic
parenting

Here is my take on the different types of Adults in America

Momginerd

In America there are many different groups of “Adults.”  These can be broken down into distinct categories, each with their own unique features.

Here is how I see them:

1.  DINKs (Dual income, no kids): These are the people who have worked hard at their careers and have decided either by choice or circumstance not to have kids.  To those of us with kids, these people live the high life.  They tend to have fancy toys, go on vacations, have no clue about that particular torture other parents call “kid(s) in team sports”, or limitations on spending money.  I have some of these friends, and I can honestly say I am jealous of their lifestyle.  When my other parented friends discuss this we always go back to the “Oh well, we can do that when the kids are grown.”  The failing I find in that logic is, I will OLD when my kids are grown.  Will I really WANT a camper, boat, big house, huge yard, cottage, etc when I am in my 60’s?

2.  Partnered Parents with 1 kid:  I like to call these parents “Practice Parents.”  When you have only one child you are really not that inconvenienced.  1 kid is portable and shareable.  Each parent can have equal share (even though most times we know Mom’s do most of the work).  If one parent has something they’d like to do, it isn’t too big of a deal for the other to keep the child occupied.  It is also easy to hire a babysitter or ask a family member to keep one child.  Start adding complexity to the equation, and your social life ends.  Most of my friends with one child still seem to lead pretty fun lives.  Their Facebook pages claim they are going on vacations, many have boats, cottages, etc.  I know when I only had one, I pretty much did everything I wanted to do…I just brought Manudo with me…she was portable like that.

3.  Parents with 2 kids:  These are the justice scale parents.  They either have 1 kid for each hand, or divide the kids up equally between the parents.  Extra lucky are the parents that get one kid of each sex.  Then they can divide by gender and everyone is happy!  It is still somewhat feasible to ask a family member to watch them so you and your partner can have some alone time…just don’t do it too often, as that leads to:

Oh look, mommy and daddy were busy with 2 of the 3 kids!

4.  Parents with 3 or more kids:  These are the adults that are frazzled ALL THE TIME.  When you have 3 or more kids you never have enough hours in the day, money in the bank, or hands to keep them all in line.  For some reason adding that 3rd (and subsequent) child will turn your household into a war-zone.  Why is it that if I take any one of my kids out of the equation the other two will get along and not fight at all?  As soon as the 3rd returns from wherever they have been, all hell breaks loose!  Parents with 3 or more kids also find it is more difficult to do things as a family…there is no more “pairing off” as 1 child will always be free to cause chaos upon the world.  3 or more kids is especially “fun” when they all have to go to the restroom and there is only 1 parent around.  At what age is is inappropriate for me to force my son to go to the ladies room cuz the girls have to go?  Am I supposed to just leave him out in the restaurant to his own devices?

Image result for single parent4.  Single parents:  These folks are SAINTS and  SUPERHEROS!  I have been there and  it was extremely trying, difficult, and many times overwhelming.  No matter HOW many kids single parents have, it is always difficult.   Add more than 1 and your life becomes ruled by the laws of fairness and your brain becomes fixated on technology for cloning.  How the heck is a person supposed to work and get 3 kids to 3 different activities, all the while planning nutritious meals and helping with homework?  At some point, a single parent learns a lesson that many paired parents do not figure out until their kids hammer it into their brains during the horrid “I hate my parents” teenage years.    This lesson is:  We are not perfect, we will make mistakes, and worst of all we will disappoint the little people in our lives who used to think we are perfect.  That look in your child’s eyes the first time you forget to pack the permission slip or are late to pick them up after school is heartbreaking for every parent.  I think the Single parents feel it to a higher degree because they feel like they have to be even more perfect than their peers who have partners.  I mean at least partnered parents have someone else to blame, am I right?

Which kind of Adult are you?  What are some of the challenges I have missed?  What do you love most about the life you are living with or without kids?
Until next time,
Nic
divorce, relationships

No, I am not your wife anymore….

Momginerd

My kids’ dad is still very much involved in their lives.  We share 50/50 custody, so we interact a lot.  A lot more than I would really like, but in the theme of “keeping the kids first” I always answer his calls and try to help him if he asks.  My Ex likes to think that since we once were married, I should still do lots of favors for him…NO not that kind of favors, step up to the gutter people! ;-).

For example:  He decided to get Lasik eye surgery.  Not that big of a deal, but then he thought it was appropriate to ask ME to take him to his appointment.  Um….really!?!   I would have had to take one of my few precious vacation days to do this and I have much better things to do with my vacation days.  I did, however, arrange for my uncle to take him.  And, because I still felt guilty for not taking him, I made him a home cooked dinner and delivered it to his house that evening (yeah, I know, I am enabling the behavior).

Not a single day goes by when he doesn’t call me at least 10 times to ask me something.  Sometimes they are important, like what exactly is it again that Bubbie is allergic to eating (yeah, you would think after 8 years he’d know what the kid can and can not eat, but I digress).  Other times it is stupid shit.  He literally called me 3 times once to ask directions to Manudo’s softball game.  Did I mention that I bought him a GPS one year for Father’s day?
Some of the other lovely things he calls about is to ask me to set him up with my friends.  Like I would do that?  He wasn’t a good enough husband to me to stayed married to, so why would I foist him off one one of my friends, I mean I actually LIKE most of my friends?  Now HH’s ex…that would be another story ;-).  He also thinks that I am his permanent babysitter.  Whenever he has a date, tickets to an event, golf game, hangnail, eye twitch or headache he thinks it is my job to take the kids.  Most of the time I welcome the extra time with them, but sometimes I actually have plans!  I mean, one of the benefits of sharing custody is that I actually can make plans sometimes without having to worry about hiring a babysitter.  He then likes to pull the guilt trip on me if I occasionally say no.  He will say: “but you are remarried so you have 2 adults to care for the kids….I am all alone.”  I want to say to him:  “Ever think you are all alone because you keep acting like you are still married to me?”  What lady would want to be with someone who can’t even remember how to get to his daughter’s softball game, at the same field she had just played at 2 days ago, without calling his Ex 3 times for directions?

His latest “favor” is asking me to plan a vacation for him.  He’d like me to make all the plans for him to take the kids on a vacation this Summer.  He said, and I quote: “you know what they like, here is my budget, just tell me where and when and I will take them.”  REALLY!  Like I want to plan some fantasmic vacation for YOU to get all the credit?  You know what they really like?  Going someplace and having to do lots of chores.  Let me know how that works out for you.

Now, as I said, 90% of the time I suck it up and help him out.  But some days, I just want to tell him to stick it up his arse.  I feel like I give, give, give, and 90% of the time he just takes.  On the rare occasion I will ask him to return a favor, he invariably says no because he is golfing, watching TV, picking his ass, or any other myriad of excuses.

At the end of the day, I just keep chanting this mantra:  It is for the kids, the kids appreciate that I help their dad out.

I know that one day the kids will know that even if I am the strict parent, I am the one that helped hold their lives together, especially their Dad’s.

I do have say that I am absolutely happy that my Ex is so involved with the kids, and he does try.  I would much prefer to have to schedule and run his life than have him abandon or miss out on time with the kids.  All in all, he is a great dad to them, he is just clueless about what is and is not appropriate to ask me.

Until next time!
Nic