Category: parenting

parenting

The road less traveled

Momginerd
Related image

This year marks the last year my oldest will officially be still a “child.”  She is now 17 and a senior (WHUCK!) in High School.  She will soon be making her final decisions about college and then will be off for her new adventure in life.  I wanted to make this Christmas about more than gifting.  So I got her (amongst other things) the necklace above.  But, I also had it wrapped in a letter.  I am re-posting the letter here (with her permission).

Dear Daughter,

For me this is a bittersweet Christmas.  It is, in fact, the very last Christmas before you are officially an adult.  This coming year is filled with many firsts for you.  You will be leaving home and in charge of your well being without having me or your dad here to catch or assist you daily.  You will make decisions that have a long term effect on your entire life.  It is stressful.  But don’t let stress guide you.  It is easy to pick the simple path of least resistance.  But what happens when that path is chosen?  You lead a simple life.  A simple life isn’t a negative in and of itself, but it is the life you want to lead?  You are adventurous, righteous, curious, and brave.  These are the characteristics of change makers, not path followers.

My wish for you (besides figuring out how not to spill on your boobs) is for you to BE HAPPY.  To be happy you need to start figuring out what it is that will make you happy.  And not happy for now, but for the long term.  My task for you is to realistically look at where you imagine yourself say at my age, or even at 30.  Take some time to yourself and meditate on this.

Think of these things:

1.    Will I be married?

2.    Will I have children?

3.    What do I like to do for fun?

4.    Do I work to live or is work my life?

5.    What makes me get up every single day and move forward even when I don’t want to?

Once you start figuring out these things, or even have some semblance of an idea about what you would answer for them, you will begin to understand what truly makes you motivated.

For me, if YOU are happy, fulfilled and proud of yourself, then I will be too.  Whether you are an MD, PA, RN, JD, MS or any other myriad of letters you can accumulate after your name.

I picked this necklace for you because not only is it a symbol for woman power, but because to me, it represents not limiting yourself.  The world is filled with glass ceilings, but you are strong enough to break any of them; even if your ultimate goal is to not be a career woman but a mom and partner.

No matter your ultimate path, know that you can make your life as meaningful and fulfilling as you want and are willing to break ceilings to achieve.  I hope this necklace will be a reminder to never ever limit yourself based on outside expectations.

I love you so much it hurts some days.  I feel blessed to be not only your mom, but to see how our relationship is maturing into a friendship.

With more love than stars in the sky for you now and forever,

Mom

parenting

Kids say the Darndest Things!

Momginerd

I am sure all kids do this, and I love hearing the stories about how they were coined.  My kids have all made up words that have become part of my family’s everyday conversations.  In fact, I have even heard some of my kids friends’ parents use some of them on occasion.  Shouldn’t my kids get royalties or something?

Here are some of the more stellar words:

1.  Yesternightago – Sometime in the past couple of days.  Manudo coined this when she was about 2 years old.  She would use it to recall some event that had occurred somewhere between 2 – 3 days in the past.  “I took a bath yesternightago, so I must still be clean!”

2.  Mahtato – Some genetic cross between a potato and a tomato.  Princepessa does not like tomatoes, she loves potatoes, but mahtatoes are just okay.  WTF?

3.  Jenky – Something that has a flaw or defect.  “Mom I booted up the computer, but the screen looks jenky.”  At this point it was giving us the famed “blue screen of death.”

4. Ogrit – Yogurt in a tube, preferably with Shrek on the packaging…lmao.

5.  Aberolli – Like ravioli, but with pesto sauce instead of red sauce.

6. Bombfire – A really BIG bonfire.  Bubbie is always asking us to make a Bombfire in the back yard.

Of course there are the words that they just plain said wrong growing up too.

1.  Bubbie called a Truck a Fu*k for about 2 years.

2.  All my kids called spaghetti Pahsghetti.

4.  Bubbie was actually coined by Manudo who instead of calling him her little brother called him her little bubbie and it just stuck!

5.  You don’t take a vacation, you go on becation.

6.  Princepessa once told a waitress at a restaurant we stopped at while driving to my parent’s house for becation that we were going to see Grammy’s Vagina.  We were travelling to Virginia!

What are some of the funny words your kids have made up or mispronounced?  I’d love to see your comments!

Nic

divorce, parenting

Making divorce with kids involved work….sort of…..

Momginerd

Lately I have been getting a few questions from colleagues and friends as to just how I make my divorce work.  And eventhought Divorce and Making Things Work seems to be dichotomus, I thought I’d share some of the strategies that I have chosen to use and, thankfully, Ex follows along (if only he was so ammendable when we were married!).

1.  Keep the kids first

Whenever I am deciding on a schedule change for the kids, personal decisions relating to my career, vacations, meal planning, etc I ALWAYS think of the kids first.  If this change or decision would add undue stress to their schedules of lives, I just do not do it, or I change my plans.  Even though I am remarried, HH is perfectly clear and understanding that the kids come first, and he, poor soul is a distant 4th.

 

2.  Communicate, communicate, communicate
We use ALL these and more to keep
try and keep in touch, it seems.
Ex and I communicate every.single.mother.furking.day.  Seriously!  We either text, phone or email daily updates about the kids at least once a day.  Some days, it seems like I talk to my Ex more than I talk to HH.  I will admit, when we were in the process of getting divorced this communication wasn’t always pleasant or positive.  It took time, energy, patience and dedication to strategy #1 for us both to make it work.  I automatically forward every email/text I receive dealing with any of the kids school/social/athletic events.  I will also Text and/or call Ex to REMIND him of events and exactly what is required for said event (special shirt, $$, gear, etc).  It takes a lot of time, energy and patience, but it makes #1 work better…at the end of the day my mantra is “It is for the kids, if they are happy, I am happy.”
3.  Agree to disagree

Ex and I definitely have different ideas on raising kids, morals, religion, etc.  If we didn’t then we most likely would not be Exes.  We finally came to a point about 6 months after our divorce was finalized that we agreed to disagree.  This means that sometimes he makes decisions I don’t agree with (like having a babysitter for the kids almost every weekend he has them), but I do my best to keep my $.02 to myself about his decisions.  He does the same for me, although he has little to complain about since I am so perfect ;-).

4.  Let go and FORGIVE

OMG! They are KISSING
AGAIN!!!!!

 

No matter the circumstances that led to the end of your marriage you must learn to forgive your ex and more importantly, yourself.  There can never be the end of a relationship that resulted in children when both parties do not feel some sort of guilt.  Learning to forgive yourself and your ex will allow you to move on and become a better parent.  Most folks had NO clue that Ex and I were going to get a divorce…until we did.  We didn’t fight, we didn’t argue….we also didn’t love each other anymore.  We were two people living separate lives in the same house.  We do more together NOW than we did when we were married.  I felt SO guilty about “breaking up my family and doing this to my kids.”  I finally forgave myself when I realized that the marriage I had was NOT the example I wanted to set forth for my kids of a healthy adult relationship.
Until next time,
Nic
parenting

Here is my take on the different types of Adults in America

Momginerd

In America there are many different groups of “Adults.”  These can be broken down into distinct categories, each with their own unique features.

Here is how I see them:

1.  DINKs (Dual income, no kids): These are the people who have worked hard at their careers and have decided either by choice or circumstance not to have kids.  To those of us with kids, these people live the high life.  They tend to have fancy toys, go on vacations, have no clue about that particular torture other parents call “kid(s) in team sports”, or limitations on spending money.  I have some of these friends, and I can honestly say I am jealous of their lifestyle.  When my other parented friends discuss this we always go back to the “Oh well, we can do that when the kids are grown.”  The failing I find in that logic is, I will OLD when my kids are grown.  Will I really WANT a camper, boat, big house, huge yard, cottage, etc when I am in my 60’s?

2.  Partnered Parents with 1 kid:  I like to call these parents “Practice Parents.”  When you have only one child you are really not that inconvenienced.  1 kid is portable and shareable.  Each parent can have equal share (even though most times we know Mom’s do most of the work).  If one parent has something they’d like to do, it isn’t too big of a deal for the other to keep the child occupied.  It is also easy to hire a babysitter or ask a family member to keep one child.  Start adding complexity to the equation, and your social life ends.  Most of my friends with one child still seem to lead pretty fun lives.  Their Facebook pages claim they are going on vacations, many have boats, cottages, etc.  I know when I only had one, I pretty much did everything I wanted to do…I just brought Manudo with me…she was portable like that.

3.  Parents with 2 kids:  These are the justice scale parents.  They either have 1 kid for each hand, or divide the kids up equally between the parents.  Extra lucky are the parents that get one kid of each sex.  Then they can divide by gender and everyone is happy!  It is still somewhat feasible to ask a family member to watch them so you and your partner can have some alone time…just don’t do it too often, as that leads to:

Oh look, mommy and daddy were busy with 2 of the 3 kids!

4.  Parents with 3 or more kids:  These are the adults that are frazzled ALL THE TIME.  When you have 3 or more kids you never have enough hours in the day, money in the bank, or hands to keep them all in line.  For some reason adding that 3rd (and subsequent) child will turn your household into a war-zone.  Why is it that if I take any one of my kids out of the equation the other two will get along and not fight at all?  As soon as the 3rd returns from wherever they have been, all hell breaks loose!  Parents with 3 or more kids also find it is more difficult to do things as a family…there is no more “pairing off” as 1 child will always be free to cause chaos upon the world.  3 or more kids is especially “fun” when they all have to go to the restroom and there is only 1 parent around.  At what age is is inappropriate for me to force my son to go to the ladies room cuz the girls have to go?  Am I supposed to just leave him out in the restaurant to his own devices?

Image result for single parent4.  Single parents:  These folks are SAINTS and  SUPERHEROS!  I have been there and  it was extremely trying, difficult, and many times overwhelming.  No matter HOW many kids single parents have, it is always difficult.   Add more than 1 and your life becomes ruled by the laws of fairness and your brain becomes fixated on technology for cloning.  How the heck is a person supposed to work and get 3 kids to 3 different activities, all the while planning nutritious meals and helping with homework?  At some point, a single parent learns a lesson that many paired parents do not figure out until their kids hammer it into their brains during the horrid “I hate my parents” teenage years.    This lesson is:  We are not perfect, we will make mistakes, and worst of all we will disappoint the little people in our lives who used to think we are perfect.  That look in your child’s eyes the first time you forget to pack the permission slip or are late to pick them up after school is heartbreaking for every parent.  I think the Single parents feel it to a higher degree because they feel like they have to be even more perfect than their peers who have partners.  I mean at least partnered parents have someone else to blame, am I right?

Which kind of Adult are you?  What are some of the challenges I have missed?  What do you love most about the life you are living with or without kids?
Until next time,
Nic
parenting

M.O.M. = Mean Ol’ Mom

Momginerd

M.O.M. (Mean Ol’ Mom) Yes that is me, and I am damn proud of the title.  Perhaps I am old school, but I believe that when I brought children into the world, I took on the job of insuring that they be: Respectful, Kind, Responsible, Independent, Inquisitive, Behaved, Educated, Kind, and Domesticated.

To accomplish these goals, I am raising my kids with a proverbial iron fist.  I do not believe they were put on  this Earth to be worshiped.  The fact that they were born of my body does not make them perfect, nor does it make me believe that everyone in the fracking (bonus points to those fellow geeks who get this reference) world must worship them.  When in public, I expect them to act like they have been there before…if they don’t then we will leave and go home where the wrath of M.O.M will be unleashed upon them and their precious privileges.

I also believe that those privileges need to be EARNED.  I work hard to EARN the privilege of my paycheck and I firmly assert that my kids need to earn the privilege of their computer time, play dates, video games, etc.  There are expectations that are set for them, and if they do not meet them, they lose out on their privileges.

For example:  Bubbie has had a lot of issues with his ADHD and behavior in the classroom.  He has learned that he can blame such behavior on said ADHD.  Little does he know, he is not fooling anyone but himself.  If he can sit and play Plants -vs- Zombies for 2 hours in front of the computer without invading someone else’s personal space, he can sit for a 20 minute math lesson in class.  Repeatedly, I was called by the teacher to address this issue regarding Bubbie.  We did due diligence and came up with a fair contract both at home and with the school to assist him.  Guess what?  The contract worked GREAT, until that smart bugger figured out that once he has XX days of success, he wasn’t going to get a damn prize for DOING WHAT HE IS SUPPOSED TO DO!  The very next day, and for 3 consecutive days thereafter, his behavior was that of a howler monkey who had his banana stolen and was shot up with adrenalin.

Image result for crazy ape
Give me my fraking banana or I will go ape $hit!

Bubbie and I had a “discussion” with the promise made that if he did not meet his minimum goal the following day, he would not attend a field trip with his class that week.  Obviously Bubbie is a bit stubborn and thinks that M.O.M. is a softie….He was SO wrong.  He sat home with the Nanny while all his classmates went on a fantabulous field trip.  Let me just say, Bubbie never failed to meet his “minimum expectation” again for that behavior.

Many of  my family/friends told me how unfair I was being to my poor precious male child.  Bah…I responded that I have earned the title of M.O.M. the hard way, by saying what I mean and meaning what I say and having the fortitude and courage to follow up with actions.  Trust me, this is not the easy way to parent.  Sometimes I think that “permissive” parents feel that they have made the choice that is the most work.  I disagree 100%.  It is so easy to let your kids treat you and others with disrespect, to run amok everywhere, to be rude and demanding, and to basically become drains on society.  It is MUCH harder to set rules and consistently enforce them.  It takes a lot of training of one’s offspring for them to realize that when they get “the look” or hear “the voice” (which is actually the opposite of yelling, it consists of clenching your jaw and hissing at them to “stop it right now”) to know that M.O.M. means business and they better straighten up right now.  If not, you may end up like this:

 

Help us! We didn’t respond to “the look” or “the voice”!!!

Teaching good manners are a huge goal of effective parenting to me.  It isn’t because “manners” are that important to  perse, but more because the act of teaching manners requires patience and consistency and the art of learning manners teaches respect and the ability to react consistently.  My kids rarely forget to say thank you, excuse me, or chew with their mouths open.  I firmly believe that by consistently pushing them to practice good manners, it makes it easier for them to follow all rues.  Manners is something that crosses all social situations both at home and in public so I think that they become more accustomed to life’s other rules and expectations.

I love (read hate) going out to eat when there are other families there and the kids are going bat ass crazy the whole time.  Really?!?  I want those parents to know: I do not like your kids, I do not think their behaviour is cute or funny or charming, and I think you are a failure of a parent if you can’t teach your kids that disturbing others who are also paying for their meals is rude.  When you give the other diners who are staring at you the raised shoulder smirk that means “Kids! What are you going to do?” You can be sure that we all have some friendly advice for you that involves discipline and basic consistent teaching of manners!
My parents Button

I get so frustrated and sick and tired of listening to all the complaining of other parents saying “I can’t understand why my kid is such a brat and so disrespectful.” Ummmm….maybe because these parents are so afraid of “hurting their feelings” that they don’t discipline them????? People can blame television, video games, etc, but at the end of the day we have to realize that if we do not have high expectations in the home, why should kids feel they have to exceed at anything? And yes, I have torn to pieces homework assignments that were done too quickly and were too messy to read. I have had kids miss fun activities because they didn’t clean their room well enough, do things “because I said so,” and many other M.O.M. things that “hurt their feelings”. I tell them to build a bridge and get over it.  Life is full of disappointments, but unless you learn to deal with both success AND failure, you will never be anything.

NO, I am not saying my parenting is perfect nor are my kids perfect. But I will say that invariably their teachers/other parents comment on how self sufficient they are, how respectful they are, and how they seem mature when compared to their peers. NO, I wouldn’t write a book about it or expect every parent to parent as I do.  However, I do think this country is in a world of hurt in the future if the next generation doesn’t learn that mommy isn’t going to be there to schedule their every activity, tell them that last place is always okay and reward them for just showing up and taking up space. You can have the world’s best self esteem, but if you can’t hold a job, be independent, follow rules, get along with others, or make your own decisions, where in life will you end up?

Rant over!

Until next time,
Nic

parenting

My Daughter is my hero

Momginerd
This is my oldest daughter.  I want to be like her when I grow up.  She is tall, thin, goofy, funny, modest, gorgeous and extremely intelligent.  I have learned so many things from her, and most of them are things about myself.

Manudo is a voracious reader.  I never thought that I would ever say to a child “Put the book down.”  I sometimes find her under her covers with a flashlight reading at night!  Then, she wakes up all cranky the next morning and can’t understand why…duh….

The biggest lesson Manudo has taught me is that it is OKAY to be different.  She is her own person, all the time.  She does not bend to convention or peer pressure.  If someone doesn’t like her, she really doesn’t care.  If someone does something stupid, she isn’t afraid to confront them.  Until Manudo, I thought being popular with my peers was really important.  To this day I still get hurt feelings if my friends have a party and don’t invite me.  My quirky daughter has taught me that the people who really matter are the ones that want you to be with them…and if they don’t then it really isn’t worth getting your panties in a wad about because they really don’t matter.

She is a fierce protector of her little siblings.  It is ironic to me that she will beat the Hell out of them and yell about how annoying they are, but if another person even comes near them she is like a tigress protecting her cubs.  Of course, five minutes later she is telling them that she wishes she was an only child.

Manudo is the kid that offers to help out at parties by helping the adults clean or watching all the smaller children.  She has an old soul, I think, and really likes being around older kids and adults more than kids her own age.  When I asked her about it she said, “Girls my age are into crazy stuff like Justin Bieber, make-up, giggling and other time wasters.”  I kid you not.  There are no posters hanging on the walls and most of the time she forgets to turn her cell phone on!

Manudo also has a very kind heart.  She never forgets a birthday or other special occasion.  She also still thinks I am cool.  That in itself is a great feeling and a miracle.  Many of my friends with kids the same age are already complaining that their kids don’t want to spend time with them….Sometimes I wish Manudo was more like that.  I swear that she follows me around like a shadow.  At least 10 times per day she bumps into me if I stop because she is constantly under-foot.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  This child is far from perfect.  I get eye-rolls, screams of  “You are so not fair” and other normal pre-teen angst from her.  But all in all, she is a fabulous daughter and an even more amazing young woman.  She has taught me that being a geeky nerd who never really fits in is Okay and to love myself a little bit more than I did before I met her.  I thought I was the one who is supposed to be teaching her life’s lessons.

Until next time,
Nic

parenting, women

Mortgage, Acne, ADHD, Dyslexia, etc…OH MY

Momginerd

Well, you can probably see by the title how my week is going…about as well as trying to roll a snowball uphill!  I am in the process of refinancing my house.  I love how the mortgage companies are all like: “Oh this will be SO easy, just fill out this form online and you will be *almost* done.”  Then you fill out the friggin’ form which takes 3 hours and find out that you will spend the next 10 days looking for shit documents you haven’t looked at for 5 or more years, answering the same questions on the phone to 10 different people, scurrying around trying to find a FAX machine…I mean really, who in the hell doesn’t accept documents via e-mail these days….and basically wishing you were happy with the crappy mortgage you already have.

My son, Bubbie, has severe ADHD…and it is not the ADHD that all teachers/parents give to “that” kid who is just annoying.  We are talking: 1,000,000 miles per minute thoughts, bouncing off the walls (I swear, the kid vibrates he has so much pent up energy), can’t remember anything longer than 2 seconds, ADHD.  We tried everything and finally decided better living through pharmacology isn’t always a bad thing and medicated him with Adderall.  In my house the adderall is called “Thank you all mighty all knowing wonderful Pfizer the maker of the drug that allows my child to learn.”  Unfortunately, now that he is actually able to stop the buzzing in his head long enough to learn, we found out that part of his issue is called Scotopic Sensory Syndrome.  SSS is a form of dyslexia and basically Bubbie sees and process images and text the same way most people do, but he has an execution issue when it comes to writing it down.  He has lots of letter reversals, sees text as jumping on the page, and can not copy anything down correctly.  He is reading (believe it or not) way beyond grade level, but can not spell, write sentences, grasp punctuation, and other mechanics of fine motor skills that normal 8 year olds can.  Now here’s the suckness of the situation….he is “on grade level” for all subjects which basically means he is not eligible for educational resources through the school district…yeah I know….Whuck?  Thankfully my lovely school is making accommodations for him, and we are hoping that he can learn coping skills and out grow the SSS.

Acne: a cross almost every woman has had to bear during her lifetime.  However, not a cross an 11 year old should have, right?  Manudo has some nasty ass looking acne on her forehead.  We have tried every product at CVS as well as many “suggestions” from friends…none worked.  Finally took her to the doctor and we are now trying some more majorly expensive stuff….crossing my fingers this works, cuz the poor kid just got glasses, needs braces in the next couple of months and is entering middle school (aka the biggest most awful horrible time to be a girl) in the Fall.  I think I will be preording some xanax now.

Oh, and Princepessa is a freaking THIEF!  Her kindy teacher called me and told me twice she has been caught trying to take things.  So now she is locked up in kiddy jail begging for her afternoon ration of milk and cookies (just kidding).

Merlot Take Me Away!!!!

NOW, please!

Until next time,
Nic